Lost and found and lost and...

This is me, fourish years ago, during my first year of seminary:

I'm at the Albatross--our walkable bar--with my friend and classmate Sara. I weighed 233 pounds the week this photograph was taken. Look at that face. If you can tear yourself away from the fact that my tank top will not contain that torso (those boobs). Did I say that out loud? Technically I typed it.

This is me, a yearish ago, about to start my fourth year of seminary:

We're at the wedding of our dear friends Gretchen and Jill. I weighed 171 pounds the week this photograph was taken. We're looking at adorable baby Gabe, but you're looking at my surprisingly small waist and great shoulders, am I right? 

This is me, a few months ago, just before graduating from seminary:

We're celebrating/lamenting everything that comes with graduating and moving and getting jobs (or not). I've weighed between 176 and 184 pounds in the weeks since this photograph was taken. A couple of weeks ago it was 177, this week it was 181. Most weeks I don't weigh in. The weight is going to go and come and go and come. That's life.

Why am I posting about this now? I hit the 50lb loss mark almost 18 months ago, and I've been hovering in the vicinity of that pretty much since then. Some weeks, I go to the gym every other day and I kick ass and take names and love myself and everyone else. Other weeks, I drink a lot of wine and bake more than one batch of cookies and think more about the blob (that's what I call my fat, because I'm hilarious and terrible). My mom made her world-famous (people who moved to other nations have eaten it, so, technically!) macaroni and cheese a few nights ago, at my request, because it is so freaking delicious. In the leftovers that I've had each day since then (that's what's up) I've cut up some kale and thrown it in there, so I can feel better about consuming it. 

It was tonight, as I was pouring a glass of wine and looking at the cookie jar, that I thought UGH Kloehn you haven't been to the gym enough this week what are you doing? Do you really think throwing some kale in that mac and cheese makes it okay? 

But then I though about Kelsey and Jocelyn. Kelsey and Jocelyn are two (out of three) women I'd identify as my best friends on the planet. When it comes to health and happiness, these two are bursting with both. They run marathons, bike centuries, verb triathlons, mix margaritas, bake cookies, inhale avocados, and love me to death. Their moral support was unmatched during my "I JUST WANT TO EAT ALL THE OREOS" phase(s). They also helped me tremendously when I needed stretches for my newly sore muscles and opinions on the new dresses I could fit in. They're the best.

Before them, before this whole adventure, I would have believed that you could lose weight by eating one salad, and gain weight by eating one cupcake. I would never have considered throwing a handful of kale into my mac and cheese--although living in Berkeley may have as much to do with that as being friends with Kels and Joce. I would have believed that it wasn't possible to feel beautiful and fun and full and healthy and energetic and thin and awesome all in one moment! There are many moments where I don't feel great. I'm writing this post because right now is one of those days, and I need this reminder. I need to look at those photographs to see where I've been and know where I am and see where I can still go. 

I have love and support from Kelsey and Jocelyn and all the other loves of my life. I have parents who schedule dinners around Zumba classes; and a boyfriend who loves to eat cookies for breakfast before a hike; and a brother who's a dietitian; and friends who walk to the gym with me, then meet up for a pitcher of beer after dinner; and you, all of you, who love me all the while. Thank you, for who you've been. Thank you, for who you've made me. 

Thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving! I have endless people and things for which to be thankful, as usual. I hope the same is true for you. It seems it's been a particularly long time since last Thanksgiving. I've come along way, miles and otherwise.

I am sincerely, eternally grateful for the fellow humans with which I share my life. My friends and family and colleagues and classmates, and people who sit in more than one of those categories, are everything to me. The blessing of being relationship is one I endeavor to never take for granted. I love you all for all that you are and all that I am because of you.

I am thankful that I have two homes -- two places I feel relieved to return to. Two communities that are happy to see me arrive and sorry to see me go. Two landscapes I long for. It's a blessing and a curse, though, as I am missing a significant portion of myself at any given time, as I am missing from one of my homes.

Today, I'm in Encinitas with my parents to celebrate Thanksgiving. My brother is in Michigan with his fiancé's family, Fletcher is in London, my cousins are with their in-laws, and some aunts are in the desert with their dad. It's our first Thanksgiving without Grammy. There are a lot fewer chairs at our Thanksgiving table than usual. Aren't we lucky to have so many people, all over the country and world, to love and celebrate with?

Yesterday, I got to sit in Rico's and devour a breakfast burrito with Nick, the closest friend I've had the longest -- thought it had been nearly two years since we'd done so. And last night, we all sat around his living room with beers and dice and underground rap (like we somehow always manage to get to) and I just reveled in the simultaneous novelty and normality of the feeling.

We live in a complicated world in which it's pretty easy to get wrapped up in how much better things could be, and we have a tendency to reserve our gratitude for momentous occasions and celebrations like Thanksgiving. But every year, I make a list of the things that I am grateful for on a daily basis -- or as often as they grace me with their presence. It's some parts silly and some parts not. You know me. I hope that you can take some moments today to reflect on the things for which you are everyday thankful, and then be mindful of that everyday-ness, every day. [You're welcome.] Here's my list:

Harry Potter (always manages to be first on the list)
hot tea
sunflowers
group text messages
karaoke
popcorn
glitter
Farkle
dirty chai lattes
grace
Instagram
group spiritual direction
Cinna & Gus & puppies in general
ecumenism
The Albatross
poetry
beautiful Jesuits
Jon Stewart
bobby pins
transatlantic snapchats
harmonies
books
handholding
neon
Café Leila
my best friends' mamas
bangles
graduate school
cookie dough
scarves

What do you want?

I don't know that I've ever gone this long without posting something here, especially since I've been incredibly busy with amazing things worth sharing! However, this isn't really going to be much of anything, because I'm just stopping by to post something I wrote months ago that I found on my phone.

I was in Colorado and it was cold and I was missing my people and my places and my life in Berkeley very much. I was trading emails with a dear friend who wrote, rather frankly, "Well, Case, what do you want?" And I didn't respond with these words in that email, but I wrote them in response to that question and just kept them.

I just want to make a venti gin and tonic and get a sunburn in the Dels courtyard while Paul messes around on the guitar and Maria and Gretchen just laugh and laugh until Tony finally comes down the stairs with his kindle and "does homework" alongside us.

I just want to walk to the bus stop and ride to the GTU and scarf Urbann Turbann before the wind cools it off and then jaywalk to Brewed Awakening for not good coffee or pretty good tea but most importantly a place to sit and cram reading before class begins. And then hike up the slope to CDSP, backpack lurching, for another bouncing Jerome Baggett 'Religion and Politics in the United States' lecture.

I just want to swing by Fellini for a beautiful vanilla soy latte even though I'm already late, and then drive up the Grizzly Peak switchbacks because mishing straight up Marin is bad for my car even though it's the only way I'd come close to making it to 8am class, listening to music at full volume, trying to dance myself alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic.

I just want to crack open a Downtown Brown and BBQ in the courtyard until it gets cold enough to go get a sweatshirt but also maybe shoes would have helped in the first place because the asphalt is so rough but it's fine, just hop hop hop.

That's all.